Jack shows Meg his tesla coil...




This may be the end.


is the day

that less than twenty people

wanted free chocolate.

It was the expensive stuff, too!
  • Current Mood
    scared scared
Jack shows Meg his tesla coil...

You can't fly away...

The man at the counter who bumped into me was chattering to his friend about the new book by some author I've never heard of and will never read. He ordered a coffee with a name long enough to wrap around my sizable waist, and stroked his half-formed scraggly beard, continuing to talk about 'the new literature of the acceptance generation' without pause.

The shelves are gone, mostly. Since Jeri (our local book junkie) moved, the fiction section was moved to two cases, and other sections were either condensed or outright removed. Poetry is gone, gay and lesbian studies is absent, and philosophy was moved in to 'occult/spirituality'. The shop was once a used book shop called 'Second Read', but the coffee and baked goods are slowly taking it over, as well as shelves of brand new books that defeat the purpose of calling it a 'used' book shop.

The large leather circle-8-shaped couches occupy the center now in lieu of reading material. A trio of tourists sat around and discussed how this was the first pleasant place they found on their vacation, how it is 'totally Soho' so that it felt 'like home'. They complained that this place lacks the things they have at home and how this coffee shop is just what they needed.

I turned and walked out the door, smirking a little to myself at the appropriateness of the overcast skies to match my mood. I found a piece of chalk on the sidewalk a dozen feet away from the building, forgotten by a car's wheel. I turned back, for just a few second, and scribbled a note on the pavement by the outdoor chairs.

This is not my home anymore.
But maybe it never was.

The notion sums up my attitude as of late. I've been doing better since dropping the antidepressants, and trying to handle my own emotions. I've been hunting for a therapist to speak to, so maybe that will keep me from heading here every now and then when I need to rant. I have two jobs that keep me busy, and friends I see regularly, as well as a family who needs and truly wants me to be here.

But I don't belong here, I know that.

I tend to say that if I have enough time I can and will offend anyone. I used to think of it as a talent. But with the people I know, lately, it is becoming less of a joke. Sometimes it is my intellectual curiosities that get me in trouble, other times my personal preferences, and sometimes just my casually inactive attitude. If they only knew, as the old saying goes.

I hate hiding myself. I hate giving the illusion that I keep my life an open book, that I'm this bland nobody who has a few morbid hobbies for the sake of showing off. I hate being that boring nonentity with no true social circle and no place to look for acceptance.

Acceptance, that catch-all we all want to find and never do, right? Fuck it; maybe I don't search for that. Maybe that's stretching it too far. Maybe what I look for is just expression, even discussion. Not hiding in books and fantasies, actually finding someone to talk to about my own wants and needs, those stupid things that would scare off professionals and make the people I know laugh to the point of tears. Or scare them off. Maybe both. That's what I'm good at anyway, isn't it?

Anyway. I just needed to get that off my chest. I'll go crawl back to my hole now.
Jack shows Meg his tesla coil...

It's okay. You can go now.

He hadn't eaten for a week. The most food he'd ingested was a bite of bacon, one he seemed rather disinterested in, but ate out of charity. He didn't bark and snap as he'd used to, just lay there, sleeping, or just watching us. We knew he was sick, and called friends to drive us to the veterinarian. He gave him a shot, checked him over, and another injection of fluids under the skin for him to absorb. He got a little better. He wandered, he came to us to look for quiet attention. He lay in my lap, rested his head on my forearm and wheezed sleepily. His legs still hurt, he still couldn't stand up easily, but we hoped.

Monday morning his tongue swelled, turned black and curled up at the end. I dribbled some water off my fingers that he didn't want to lap at (he always wanted to lick my fingers to check for food). He looked up at me with a sad, pained face that begged for me to make it better.

Another trip to the vet, my mother rushing out of work to be with him, my friends rushing by to give us a ride. The vet took him in, told us his kidneys were having trouble. He'd have to stay for two or three days, having fluids flushed through his body to try and help his dehydration. We worried, but Tuesday we heard a couple calls that sounded positive.

This morning, they told us he'd gotten worse. His tongue has turned black and swelled more, and despite his attitude, he's in serious pain.

His kidneys are shutting down.

He's going to die.

Today at 4 o' clock, I'm going to go in and sit with him, stroking his head as they put him to sleep.

I could be self-serving, talk about how I've never actually seen an animal put to sleep before. Or how lonely the house has been the past two days. The way I started crying when I thought about getting takeout again, how silent meals will be.

But... all I can think about is how much I'm going to miss him. How much I love him. How empty the world will be without him in it. I know I can't stop it from happening, but after fifteen years, I want to be so selfish and never let him go.

Goodbye Max.

I love you.
  • Current Music
    "Inchworm" Danny Kaye
Jack shows Meg his tesla coil...

(no subject)

I still don't have anything to say.

I have problems. I feel miserable. Et cetera.

But it doesn't matter.

Pop quiz... Which is worse: feeling miserable, or feeling miserable because no matter what your problems, everyone else's are worse (thus invalidating yours)?
Jack shows Meg his tesla coil...

(no subject)

Okay, so, 2009's started off on the wrong foot. Things are incredibly down and getting worse and my depression is kicking my ass full-swing because of it. Blah blah blah.

Except, this all seems pretty minor in comparison to a film geek like me, because Maine is the only state in the country that's not getting the remake of My Bloody Valentine in 3-D! For fuck's sake, every state has at least ten theaters showing it in 3-D, and we have zero. Of course, being a geek who collects 3-D glasses and has never seen a film in the format on a big screen, it would be inevitable, wouldn't it?

Dear Maine,

Why must you suck so horribly?
Why do you deny any sort of available fun?
Why must you suck the last remaining grain of life out of me?
Why must I hate you so much? And do you hate me just as well?
Jack shows Meg his tesla coil...

Something positive... no, really... What?!

I have to admit, for all my cynicism and depressing randomness in this space-o-ranting, I have to admit how hard it is to feel bad on this day of all days.

I love Christmas, even without being the religious sort of person. There's just so little to dislike; the 'holy' side of it is usually pleasant without being overpowering, and the sight of ornaments on a fresh pine tree brings a bright smile to my face every time. I even love the endless specials and movies, from A Charlie Brown Christmas to Miracle on 34th Street (the original :P) to the multitude of versions of A Christmas Carol*.

True, the songs they play in the store I work at are pretty annoying, but I can tune those out well enough; and people get generally grouchy, but no moreso than the rest of the year (they just are grouchy in larger quantities**). And for every Christmas in Connecticut there's a Santa With Muscles or remake of Miracle on 34th Street (watch me shudder in horror). But honestly, since getting rid of cable, I can shrug those off with no worries.

And I don't discount greed and self-interest, but I find it less of a powerful factor in this season. I am interested in what I get, but I'm much more eager to see the excited looks on my friends and family's faces when they open their gifts and see what I got them. I love shopping for gifts, and making others, and the eternally sloppy ritual of attempting to wrap gifts in paper that never truly looks nice and neat. I love coming up with new ideas to interest and excite those I know, and hunting for the right gift. To me, it's less of the 'oooh, I want that' factor, and more the notion of appreciation. I love giving gifts, and I love having a reason to give them; it's a sign of appreciation and respect, something that's a small favor of thanks to follow up the rest of the year, and some way of saying 'I couldn't have made it without you'.

I guess, all in all, what I'm trying to say to those couple of you that read this, is have a merry Christmas, and I hope that your cats and dogs enjoy the multitude of wrapping paper to shred and toss about. And I hope the next year will prove to be a marvelous one for us all.


*The one with Michael Caine and the Muppets is the best one. No, really!

**A woman,running into me in full-force with her shopping cart the other day, instead of apologizing, grumbed F'cking Christmas and continued on her way. Yes, Merry Christmas to you as well! I grinned and called out to her... By the look on her face, I believe I broke her brain on that one
Jack shows Meg his tesla coil...

It had to be done.

Sorry for the randomness, but this might in fact be one of the greatest film posters I've ever seen... seriously, is this a parody?!

Actually, no.

It's supposed to be one of those depressing and dark indie relationship movies (i.e. the type where young people mope for 90 minutes while the audience checks it's watch... I'm looking at you, Sex and Breakfast...). But that poster is so hilarious I just can't help but wonder if that's supposed to be intentional or not...
  • Current Mood
    amused Oh, yes!
Jack shows Meg his tesla coil...

Is this a pre-warning of surrender?

I promised myself this Tuesday I was going to find something positive to post. There was a thing someone had where people were supposed to quit bitching and find something nice to say. I didn't want to cycle back to my mood swings or my suicidal feelings or attempts to find some form of help. Everyone else says that, there's no use in regurgitating everyone else's problems.

I refuse to post again until I can say something upbeat. Things are going well, and I am going to say something nice. I am no going to let this thing get to me. I will say something positive.

Jack shows Meg his tesla coil...

Let's have a meme, I think we'll have a meme now...

A little game stolen from Miss Kou... Altered a little.

1. Pick 15 of your favorite movies. (You honestly expected me to pick only 15? 30 was hard enough!)
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie. (Some here aren't on IMDB... just that much harder... mwahaha...)
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions.
5. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
6. Those who guess correctly have to do the Meme next! (Eh, only if you wanna'. I'm more eager to see if anyone bothers to guess!)


1. "Life isn't like in the movies. Life... is much harder."

2. "These are the children of the '60s... commonly known as 'hippies'."

3. "Men fall in love. They don't stay in love." (Ecdysiasm got it, and it's okay, because I've been saying 'People fall in love...' myself and had to check my copy to be sure)

4. "Oh, I see. With all the poor people of this city who wanted only to live and were viciously murdered, you have the nerve to sit here, wanting to die, and not go through with it? You make me sick!"

5. "I can't exist by myself because I'm afraid of myself. I create my own evil."

6. "You see, in this world there's two kinds of people, my friend: Those with loaded guns and those who dig. You dig." (Ecdysiasm... For some reason, our mother thought it was Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction... how sad!)

7. "Have you ever been killed before? I'll be back in a minute."

8. "This is a narrative of very heavy-duty proportions."

9. "The time it takes to kill these morons is... depressing."

10. "The tragedy of your time, my young friends, is that you may get exactly what you want."

11. "I should have known it. The rest of the world doesn't exist."

12. "When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way, in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side."

13. "Come on at me, if you want, Hash-head. I've got all five senses and I slept last night, that puts me six up against the lot of you!" (Paper_Crystals got it, and I'm ashamed it took her so long! :P )

14. "You think grown-ups have it all figured out? That's just a hustle, kid. Grown-ups are making it up as they go along just like you. You remember that, and you'll do fine."

15. "Morality. The last bastion of a coward."

16. "Alice who? Her name is Renee. If she's told you her name is Alice, she's lying." (Ecdysiasm got it)

17. "Somewhere in this world a child dies of starvation every two seconds... now... now... now..." (Paper_Crystals... Was afraid it'd be unknown; forgot she'd seen it too!)

18. "Wanna' know my story babe? It's easy: this is the generation who grew up, and forgot to lead their lives!" (Ecdysiasm again)

19. "I take no pleasure in taking life if it's from a person who doesn't care about it."

20. "A brass unicorn has been catapulted across a London street and impaled an eminent surgeon. Words fail me, gentlemen."

21. "I ask for so little. Just fear me, love me, do as I say and I will be your slave." (Ecdysiasm!)

22. "It was their hands that built this city of ours, Father. But where do the hands belong in your scheme?"

23. "Have you ever been struck by lightning? It hurts." (Ecdysiasm; I'd be disappointed if you didn't get this one...)

24. "You'd better hurry up. Tell me something to make me love you." (Ecdysiasm gets only half credit since he guessed wrong first! :P )

25. "There is no good or evil, only spirit and matter. Only movement toward the light - and away from it."

26. "Childlike innocence is not a viable alternative to despair." (Ecdysiasm!)

27. "It is the duty of all human beings to think God out of existence. Then we have a future. Because then - and only then - do we take full responsibility for who we are."

28. "You know the part in horror movies when somebody does something really stupid, and everybody hates him for it? This is it."

29. "Sooner or later, there comes a point in a man's life when he's gotta face some facts. And one fact I gotta face is that, whatever it is that women like, I ain't got it."

30. "This is not the ending. You haven't read it yet."